I should be folding laundry, I should be unpacking the fruit and vege delivery, I should have played cards with the kids after the mad rush of the afternoon, I should be doing some study (I really really should be doing some study) I should be cleaning up after the day, I should be finishing off the work I didn’t get a chance to do today. There are so many things that I should be doing but I really don’t have the energy. I have been working too much, training too hard, juggling the ‘single parenting again for a few busy days routine’ and not taking time out to rest.
I am starting to feel the effects of it all. I have woken every day with a sore throat and achey sinus and had a lingering dehydration headache that just won’t go away. I need to rest but I just can’t. I have given myself a few minutes to read blogs, justified by the fact that I am waiting for the kids to fall asleep and using the excuse that I can’t do any <insert random ‘must-do’ talk here> if I am going to be constantly badgered by kids who are in bed but not sleeping yet so could potentially come down stairs of want something and disrupting my attempts at productivity. That is my reasoning behind reading blogs and blogging right now, but why do I need an excuse? Why do I have to justify sitting down and enjoying something that I love?
Why is it that I need to find an excuse to take care of me? I have just been over at Sleepless Nights where Veronica was lamenting the fact that she too feels guilty having time to herself. She feels guilty being alone in the house and not Getting Stuff Done. I too feel the same guilt. I wanted to post a comment reinforcing Veronica’s need to take care of herself, to enjoy the few moments of peace and quiet that she is lucky enough to get knowing that when she is with her family again she will have more energy to enjoy them. I wanted to tell her that she deserves a break too, that she is worth it, but it was all to hypocritical. She knows that, just like I know, yet the guilt remains.
My biggest guilt is about work. I work a lot and I love what I do but it is time (and head space) consuming. Trying to juggle getting the kids to school and other activities with work, training, uni and domesticity all seems to be too much. Sure I could cut down on my working (out of the house) hours but then I wouldn’t have the time to do the job properly and that would cause more stress for me than actually working the crazy hours. I know that I am a better person when I am working and passionate about my work. I know that I don’t like the person I become when I am staying at home (sure being a hermit is great for me but not so good for the rest of the family) but why do I feel so guilty?
Back in the days before kids, life was simple. Work all week, pick up after yourself during the week and clean the house from top to bottom Saturday morning so that I could enjoy the rest of the weekend without the thoughts of ‘I should’ creeping into my head. It was easy to share the cooking and domestic roles or better still do a big shop and cook-up of a Sunday and not have to worry about cooking for most of the week ahead. It was so simple, organised and easy. Now my weekends are a juggle. If I am not working or training there are kids activities to attend as well as domestic duties that need to happen. Often the question that I ask every, not-at-work-or-training Saturday is, ‘Do I join the kids at their activities and watch them skate or stay home and attempt to be domestic, to try to get ahead? Normally the domestic option wins, only because the thought of having to get home from skating and start then is all too much.
I know that my world will go on if the house isn’t clean but I still can’t make myself relax. I have improved, I can actually go to bed of a night time knowing that there are dishes still on the sink, but probably spend more time fretting about squeezing something else into the already busy morning schedule that I sometimes wonder if it was worth it. Things can just get swept into a pile to be dealt with another time. The floors don’t have to be clean all the time, clean-ish is good enough but even finding time for -ish is challenging. I now spend my ‘me time’ walking around the river of a morning. It is the only ‘me time’ I get and really, can hardly be considered ‘me time’ if it is a part of training and I use the time to work out what needs to be done and make lists on my phone to prioritise?
Anyway, instead of pottering away here, I need to Go Do Stuff. The house is now quiet and the kids are asleep, my excuse and justification for lingering here is gone. It is time to tackle every thing that is on my list of ‘I should’ before exhaustion takes over and I fall into a heap.
Any suggestions for an excuse that I can use to convince myself to not feel guilty about the things ‘I should’ be doing?
Relish, my Relish 
Ali
May 20, 2011 at 12:41 am
First of all, I think you need to spend some time thinking about just how important you are. You know all of the things that you do for your family (and you wouldn’t have it any other way) but do you give yourself credit for doing them? Do you give yourself credit for being who you are? For what a wonderful mother you are? Your family needs you but the best example you can set for your kids is to take the time to look after yourself. They need to see that you value yourself.
Second thing: What if you became truly incapacitated? Which things would you be forced to sacrifice to keep the family running? You might miss many of the things you do now but you’d know that there are core things that must be done, that are most important.
I know it’s probably not what you want to hear but your body is telling you that it can’t cope right now. It’s all well and good to get fit for something you really want to do but if you’re making yourself ill by doing too much then you’re not going to reach your goal anyway. You need to drop whatever can be dropped from your routine (maybe only for a week or two) to give your body a chance to get itself sorted. Your training won’t suffer that much (if you chose to drop that), especially if the alternative is being too run-down to reach your goal at all.
Seriously, I’m actually a little bit worried about you. You need a break. You’re worth it, after all.
superrelish
May 20, 2011 at 9:44 am
Hi Ali,
Thank you – I truly did need to read this now. I know that what you are saying is true and in my heart I believe that they are true but it is just so hard to to make myself stop doing everything or to say no. I hadn’t thought of it from the perspective of setting a good example for the kids, that self care is just as important as care for others. I know the world will continue if I were to curl up and hide for a week or 2, and even my pride would recover from not being able to do it all, to not be everything for everyone, all the time.
I am going to head in to work now to try and delegate stuff to other people so that I get some time to do the things I want and need to do without compromising my own sanity and standards. I am also going to plan a day from work just to get study done and nothing else. Training, well who knows what will happen there, I do enjoy the alone time first thing in the morning but I might even lighten the load there too.
Thank you for concern, for motivating me to look after me
Del xo
Veronica
May 20, 2011 at 12:36 pm
No suggestions from me, just relief that I’m not alone.