I met up with a colleague for a coffee (well actually a soy hot chocolate but that just doesn’t read quite right!) and he said I seemed flat. He was right, I am feeling flat. I am tired, cold, grumpy and just a tad emotional. Yep, I am in a funk and I don’t really know how to get myself out of it just yet. I thought I would try to write it out but I couldn’t find the words, or at least the words that I can post here in a space that I am not sure is my own any more. When the words wouldn’t flow, I thought I would browse through my draft folder to see what I could find to fill in the gaps, to maybe makes sense of my head space.
So it is the middle of the night and I am awake and I don’t really know why.
Perhaps it is about sitting around watching movies that all fit the same formula – person with dreams is confronted by adversity, they overcome the challenge and of course they all live happily ever after. I wander downstairs realising that sleep just isn’t happening, thinking that perhaps watching some crappy middle of the night tv will send me to the land of nod. I flick through the channels and the pickings are slim. Just as I am about to give up I stumble across Jerry Maguire, a movie that I love but haven’t seen in forever. Instead of making me tired, it makes me even more contemplative; here is a movie about a guy that has a dream and works his butt of to succeed. I know every man and his dog is likely to know the movie better than I do but in my 30 second summary, Jerry fixes his life and of course he succeeds and in doing so he fixes the lives of the important people around him and they all live happily ever after, The End.
Well that is pretty much what I want. It isn’t too much to ask for?
Well that was as far as I made it with that post. Yet another incomplete story that I am going to attempt to finish, or at least make some sense of…
What I had written there really isn’t too far removed from my current head space. So my current funk? This is how I see it. My biggest problem is that I don’t have any goals or dreams other than the obvious – watch my kids grow up and be happy within themselves and that they enjoy their lives. Whilst I know that is something I want with all of my heart I know that I really should find some dreams, something that is mine, something to be passionate about, but where to start? Sure I have a list of things I should do, and things I need to do but they aren’t things that currently light the fire in my belly, that get me going and keep me inspired or motivated.
In reality, I am living the perfect life with a beautiful house, perfect family, in a great neighbourhood surrounded by friends. Whilst not ‘well off’ by any stretch of the imagination we do manage to pay the bills (usually on time!) and occasionally have a litle left over to do something fun or extravagant. Life really is good but I feel like a prat because it isn’t enough. I want more, I want something but I don’t know what it is and it is driving me nuts. I feel like I am going through the motions but not really living. Am I logical and practical or creative and spontaneous? At the moment I try to be both but am in constant conflict and logical and practical wins, things get done when I am practical.
Maybe that is it, maybe there are too many ‘things’ that need doing. Maybe I need to get rid of some of the ‘things’ and make sense of what is left. Perhaps I should take time off work and deal with uni so that it is one less thing to have to worry about, one less thing to fit in to a crazy busy schedule? Perhaps I should just realise that uni just isn’t right for me right now. It wouldn’t be giving up, it would simply be deferring the insanity, ideally to a less crazy time. Maybe the kids don’t need to be involved in as many activities but then I think that if they miss out on doing something they love because of the funk I am in, the mother guilt will kick into overdrive and deepen the funk, Perhaps that isn’t such a great idea after all! Maybe it is all just a funk that I am tired and grumpy and I will wake up feeling alive.
Who knows? I do know that sitting here, trying to ignore the pile of reading beside me that I just can’t bring myself to actually read and make sense of isn’t helping with the funk. I think it might be time to go to bed, hope for a decent sleep and the motivation fairies to visit and deliver a great day tomorrow that will lift me from the funk and fill me with passion and inspiration.