***WARNING*** This post contains material that some may find disturbing or vomit inducing. Read no further if you have a sensitive stomach.
Yep, today was one of THOSE days, a typical work day where the annoying or weird just kind of happened. Here are a few conversations, real or imagined that did or could have taken place.
“Honey, I’m home!” ME: Mumble, mumble, grump.
“How was your day?” ME: “Sh*t!”
“What do you mean by that?” ME: “Well I was shoveling shit!”
OK so that conversation didn’t actually happen, only because man-child isn’t actually home from ‘work’ to even contemplate such a conversation. I am sure that if he were to walk in the door now, and be coherent enough to hold a conversation it would be very similar to that.
ME: “Come on kids, it is time for bed. Toilet, teeth and jump in to bed.” Surprisingly, off they run to the bathroom without me having to get too screechy. One gets there before the other and kicks the door shut. Then I hear, “Hey, let me out, I can’t open the door, the door handle is missing!”
Yep, that conversation was real. The kids looked about for the door handle but had no luck. Having seen the forts that are currently taking up most of their bedroom, part of the study and even the landing at the bottom of the stairs, I wasn’t game leave the couch in the study to help them look for fear of finding more mess that I didn’t have the energy to deal with.
ME: “Come on kids, toilet and bed, hurry up.” Them: “We can’t the toilet is blocked and full all the way to the top.”
ME: (grumbling as I wander into their bathroom to see what the issue was) “That is disgusting. Don’t touch anything, just get out and go to bed already.” (insert liberal eeks and screeches) Thinking holy crap the toilet is about to overflow and there is more than just water in the bowl. Where is the toilet roll? Surely not, they are way too old to try and flush an entire roll of toilet paper. Why me? Why on the night that man-child is out…
Unfortunately that conversation was true too although I left out many of the more colourful thoughts and phrases!
So the kids had to climb through their forts to even find their bed as I spent far too many minutes literally shoveling and scooping sh*t instead of reading a chapter or 2 to them as they went to bed. Armed with a drain snake and heavy duty rubber gloves I set to work. The drain snake didn’t work so it was time to scoop. First came out the wads of toilet paper, then what must of been the doomsday poo.
That brings me to conversation #4
ME: “I found the door knob!”
Yep, that is right, the door knob had somehow managed to fall into the toilet! The door knob partially blocked the toilet and then someone then buried the door knob in a foul smelling substance (aka the Doomsday Poo), making the seal complete and water-tight. In all honesty, the Doomsday Poo was probably capable of completely blocking a toilet all on its own! Now I am just guessing and imagining the though processes that may have been involved but I am sure it went something like this. I assume that the ‘parent’ of the giant poo tried to rid the bowl of the stink but no amount of flushing helped. Next step, let’s see if the offending substance that belongs in a toilet, the Doomsday Poo can be forced down the s-bend with the aid of the toilet brush. Damn, that didn’t work, let’s try flushing again. Crap, no more flushing or the water will go all over the floor and then who knows what will happen but it can’t be good. I think it is just better to use one of the other toilets.
Now the kids bathroom has a fully functioning toilet again and has been disinfected. Apparently the stench has gone but I can’t confirm that, I was too close to it and my judgement may be impaired. My plans to enjoy a quiet day with girl-child tomorrow are out the window, I will now be replacing the door knob because there was no way in hell I was putting that door knob back on the door!
My apologies for the over share of disgusting but some things are just so gross that they need to be documented. And to think that is just one sequence of events that shows why today really was one of THOSE days.