I don’t like saying goodbye, I don’t like forever, forever hurts and I don’t like it.
I am sitting here with my cat snuggled on my lap, providing some warmth and comfort for her. Over the last week she has gone from an old cat that was spritely enough to spend her days sunning herself on top of he hot water system, she was out of the way of the way of the kittens and could survey all that was happening in the world. She could run up and down the stairs and my pillow was her domain. In the last few weeks since the weather turned cooler, she has needed more warmth. Instead of sleeping on my head or snuggling between us under the doona she is choosing to spend most of her time sleeping on a fluffy pillow beside the heater downstairs. Once she stopped sleeping with me, it was like the beginning of the end. She has all but stopped going upstairs.
My friend (a vet) has been to visit to check her condition and give her some pain relief for her aching hips. Despite being wobbly on her feet she was well hydrated and appearing comfortable. She would purr whenever she was stroked or gently hugged. Together we made the decision that we didn’t want any major medical interventions; she is old and has had a peaceful and loving life. We want her days to be surrounded by the family that loves her and not medical equipment. We decided that we would monitor her condition, looking for telltale signs that she was slipping away from us. Today those signs were becoming apparent; she has lost the desire to groom herself, she isn’t taking food, not even the nutrition supplement she liked, she is drinking more than usual and is really struggling to walk.
I think that it is time to say goodbye. My friend is coming to visit in the morning and together we will all go visit her vet. From there, who knows? Well actually, we do know we just don’t want to admit it.
We really thought that she would live forever, she has been with us for so long, she is a part of our lives. I don’t know how to say goodbye to her. I don’t know how to talk to the kids about saying goodbye. I don’t know if the kids should be with us when we take her too the vet. How much is too much for their little souls to cope with? I am sobbing as I type and I don’t know if I can be brave enough to comfort the kids in their sorrow.
I am so tired and so sad. I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to stay with her an keep her comfortable forever as my heart slowly breaks.