All I really want right now is distractions, my head is all over the shop in a big jumbled mess. I thought about using the idiot box as a distraction from thoughts that fill my head but there is nothing to watch. The stereo is elsewhere and a mess is left in its place and there are too many songs on iTunes to decide what to listen. I decided to opt for silence, not to think but to ignore but even silence is not cooperating. I have the noise of a randomly dripping tap somewhere upstairs, snoring from an annoyingly intoxicated body on the other end of the couch and the dinging of aforementioned intoxicated person’s phone receiving messages. Did I mention the sleep talking? Well the sleep talking is so much more obnoxious when alcohol is involved. Instead of just being random comments, it will be random questions that require an answer. Of course the random questions are in relation to a subject matter that I am clearly not privy to so the answer is not apparent. Not answering means the question will be repeated over and over, answering the question incorrectly, because apparently there is a correct answer, will infuriate and I will be chastised and scorned. So not silent that it fills my head even more and makes me annoyed.
I don’t like being annoyed all of the time and at the moment that seems to be my overwhelming response to everything. Micro managers questioning my every move annoy me, coming home and not having time to sit down and rest annoys me, making dinner for people who don’t even bother to take the time to eat it annoys me. Being tired and grumpy all the damn time annoys me. Actually almost everything is likely to annoy me, today in particular.
The list of what annoys me is long and includes (but is not limited to) being the parent all the time, being the responsible one, being the person who makes sure everything is done for everyone else, being house-proud and wanting a nice clean house. In short, everywhere I look there is something to annoy me. I don’t like this feeling, I don’t really like being me at the moment. I spend my days running from one place to the next never having a chance to sit down and actually enjoy. Occasionally I would like to be the spontaneous parent, the one who says ‘screw going to bed early, lets all camp on the floor and tell stories’, the parent who laughs out loud and doesn’t get annoyed at the mess but that isn’t me. I know that staying up late is only going to cause more pain that I will be left to fix. More irrational tears for all involved, and probably for those not involved too. Increased clumsiness will be next and it will also lead to tears and no doubt (minor) injuries. Projects will be left incomplete and mess will be everywhere. Of course I will be the lucky person who has to fix it, to console the crying child, to nurse the pain, clean up the mess, wipe up the blood and make the bad disappear for everyone else. The problem is that I generally can make the bad disappear, I take it on board and call it my own.
Sometimes I just want to run and hide but before I do I think of what I will be missing. Chances are I won’t be missing anything, but I might and it might be important or significant of simply just fun, so I stay out of hiding. I give myself to everyone and try to ask for little in return. I find it difficult to ask for help and as a result I rarely do, I just get on with it and do everything myself.
I don’t even know why I am writing all of this down. I will still want to do too much, to be involved in everything, to work far too much, to be the person who fixes everything and everyone, to sacrifice my own sanity to give to those around me. I know that I need to let go, but knowing and doing are very different things. I think I miss my sister already, she hasn’t even left the country (and when she does it will only be for 2 weeks) but finding any excuse to drop over, help out and have baby cuddles has been one of the few truly wonderful escapes I have had lately.