I think I am trying to do too much. I have too much happening and I don’t have time to get my shit together. I am struggling to be a good mum, partner, and employee. I still haven’t kicked the bug that has been lingering in my body for the last bazillion weeks. Essentially I am tired and grumpy and not much fun to be around. I anger easily and all I seem to do is pick fights with anyone who is around.
My work hours have increased a little, the days in the office aren’t long but I am now there EVERY DAY and I don’t get a break. During the additional 6 hours a week that I am working somehow I am expected to take on the workload of a colleague who has transferred. Now I am no mathematician but somehow trying to do a new job, a job that previously was done on a full time basis of 40+ hours a week in a measly 6 additional hours just doesn’t seem to add up. Something has to give, either I do my job to a lesser capacity, I do absolutely nothing with the new job or I work even more hours (unpaid). None of these options seem particularly attractive and I think that what is really happening as a result is that I get nothing done other than freak out about what I need to do.
On the home front, well I am not here enough to get on top of things. I really miss having a day at home every now and then to get shit done, fun domestic things that need doing – laundry, cleaning, getting rid of clutter. I get resentful that it is important to me to not live in a total pigsty, that I need to clean up instead of going out and having fun.
I was a total bitch to be around almost all of the weekend and as fun as it can be to be a bitch, it wasn’t fun. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be the mum who couldn’t get her shit together. I hate that I am the boring parent, the one that sets rules and boundaries, the parent that the kids don’t ask to go and play with them in the park because they know that I am tired, or grumpy or just not likely to have fun. I want to be fun. I want to be spontaneous.
I am torn in so many directions and I don’t know how to get everything done. I don’t have the time of energy to do everything as well as it should be done and I hate not doing things properly. I know it is hard to tell, but I hate complaining all the time, I just want to get my shit together and be in control, or maybe I am just hormonal and moody. It really bugs me that I have been feeling crappy for what is essentially no real reason at all. Realistically I have a great life – my family are awesome, I have friends all around me, hell I even have a job that I usually love. Hopefully I will wake up in the morning and feel better and more realistic about my world.