Well who am I? These days I really don’t know who I am. Sure I am a full time mum to two of the best kids ever, I have a great husband (even if I do drive him insane most of the time), I have an extended family that rocks and one that very much doesn’t, my friends are amazing, I officially work part-time but often work more, I volunteer in a few different places and I do lots of ‘stuff’. That is what I do but it isn’t really me. I don’t really know who I am or where I am going, but I feel the need for change. I don’t really know what or how, but something has to change.
I am here on this blog trying to work out who I am and where I am going. It is my own little piece of craziness that I share with whoever wants to listen to the ranting and drivel, that was until I realised that people that I know may be reading here. I know it sounds crazy, but having complete strangers read about me and make judgement on however poorly I may write or whatever decisions I make, whether good or bad, doesn’t seem to bother me. The thought of people in my own neighbourhood knowing this has freaked me out – a lot. It has kept me away from here for a few days. It hasn’t been a long time, but it has been long enough for me to realise that I need this place, that I need to have something to call my own. I need people I know online dropping by to check how things are going. I need to feel connected and a part of something bigger than my own little world and I want to feel as if I am a part of someone elses world too. Realistically, I probably have the URL for this site listed somewhere so that people I do know could already be lurking here and they are too polite to say anything. I think that it is more important that I use this site for what I originally intended.
I went back to my first ever post from November 2008 and saw that my reason for writing back then was ‘I want a place where I can be me, to try and discover who I really am and where I am going. Writing helps me to clarify what I want or need. Yes I know I could write in a journal, like in the ‘good old days’ but I am rather OCD about neatness and accuracy. I like to write things down as I think of them and then move them about until it reads the way I want the story presented. It is really hard to do this with a pen, paper, scissors and glue! I intend to write honestly whilst still protecting myself and the people important to me from damage in the wider world of family, friendships and external responsibilities. Writing honestly and knowing that this blog is public and can be (but probably never will be) read by anyone is quite exhilarating. I also have a desire to belong to a blog community. I read dozens of blogs and admire the writers and aspire to be as creative and compelling. I want to someday belong to a similar community!’ So my ambitions in the beginning were grand, but honest. I was a little more blog-aware when I eventually wrote my About Me page ‘So why do I blog? Well it is a place for me to find out who I am, to find people who have similar interests or circumstances, not dire circumstances just normal people being normal. It is also to try and find a place where I belong. Some days I will write as a mum, other days it will be as an employed person, other days it may be as a member of a diverse community.’
So that is why I began blogging and why I am going to continue to blog. I know that it is inevitable that my worlds will collide but if I remain true to myself and have the integrity to post only what I would say out loud in the real world I shouldn’t get myself into too much trouble.
So back to the Who am I and Why am I here? concept, I want to make changes to my life and I will make some changes, hopefully soon. This will be my place to record those changes, seek advice and find me again. This will be a place where I can find some goals and dreams and start to make them happen.