Yep that’s me, a killjoy. I feel like I take the fun out of everything. It is the last day of the year and the whole world is gearing up for a great time and I am here alone feeling as if I have sucked the joy out of my life. I am alone by choice.
I have just said goodbye to the kids who are on their way to my parents for a holiday. I wanted today to be a fun day. My plans were for a relaxing morning with the kids as we packed together for their holiday, then as a family we would dismantle the Christmas tree. When we were all done, I was planning that we would all head to the city, to bid farewell to the kids as they hopped on the train to go on holidays. Once the train left I would enjoy an hour or 2 of shopping before coming home to get ready for New Years Eve festivities. How surprising that that was not to be.
I awoke around 7.30 this morning as the cat was trying to reposition herself on my head. I rolled over to move her and to get comfortable and found the bed was empty. I remembered that man-child mentioning something about playing in an online poker tournament this morning. I couldn’t hear the kids so I lay there enjoying the peace and quiet, wishing I had my laptop upstairs so I could attempt to blog something profound or meaningful, hell anything nice. Instead I found a book to read.
I think I heard boy-child creep downstairs around 8 but no more noise. There was no point getting up if only one child was awake, I couldn’t pack for them both until they were both awake. I knew girl-child was tired and needed the sleep so I continued to read.
Just after 9, girl-child awoke and so I came downstairs. I was foolishly hoping that the magical cleaning fairies had visited whilst I was resting. They hadn’t, but their butt-lazy friends had, the ones who leave dishes laying about and don’t put things away. My nice relaxing morning was spent cleaning up after others (again) as man-child and boy-child played wii.
I know I could have insisted that they turn the game off and help, but I was really hoping that they would do that anyway. Boy-child has a one hour limit on the wii and surely that time must be up, but apparently if man-child is playing that limit is very flexible. I let them play, I didn’t want to be the parent who says ‘No’ all the time, just sometimes I want to be the one who lets them have fun. How stupid of me.
By 10.30, half an hour before we were to leave, they became aware that I was around. I don’t even know if they knew what the time was, or that I was awake. Or did they just assume that I would be up, packing bags, making lunch and snacks for the 4-5 hour journey and getting everyone else ready for their adventures? I guess boy-child is totally oblivious. What concept of time does a 6 year old have, especially when they are playing? Man-child should have known that he had other things to do, particularly as we discussed our plans for today only last night. He knows that finishing the year with a clean house makes me feel like I can start the year with a clean slate and however ridiculous it may sound, that it is important to me.
So now I am back to being alone on the last day of the year, still wishing that the magic fairies would come and clean my house, wishing that my farewell to the kids was more heartfelt, wishing that my last minutes with them for the year were fun and not me barely holding back the tears as they walked to the car.
I know it sounds stupid, but the tears aren’t tears of missing my babies, of course I am going to miss them, that is a given. My tears are for not finishing the year with the kids properly, whatever properly might be (I don’t know what it is, but I know it isn’t this). For not being able to ask for help or even recognising when I need help. For wishing other people were intuitive and just help a little. For not being able to say ‘this sucks’ and being able to explain why. For knowing that I can’t explain it, so I will continue on, fixing things, tidying things and hoping to cheer up.
I want to go out and have fun tonight, but I know that I won’t have fun knowing that the house looks like something has exploded in it, that the Christmas tree and all the related paraphernalia is waiting to be put away, that there is there is no food in the house, that there are boxes and boxes of ‘stuff’ that need to be sorted to get things into order. So that appears to be the way I will spend the last day of the year. Hopefully getting my physical space into order will help me get my emotional state into order so I can say goodbye to the mess of 2008.
I need to be able to say goodbye to this year and all of the uncertainty it has brought with it. I want to start over. I no longer want to be a killjoy, I want to be spontaneous and fun. I want to be me. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I want my last blog post of the year to be not filled with tears of annoyance, frustration and loneliness so now I have to go clean so that I can get into a happier place so I can blog something happier, or at least something mindless or trivial.